I turned 50 and something happened. It was like I went through an epiphany or something. I'm not sure I am all the way through it but I think that it has been long enough that I'm not just in a "mood."
I was the only girl in my family so I played alone most of the time, unless I wanted to learn to throw a football or a punch. (let me tell you, that latter lesson came in handy.) I was also very shy and quite fearful. I was bullied a bit.
Over the course of my lifetime I've gotten used to operating in a manner that is prone toward and adept at reconciling difficulties and orchestrating peace.
Let's face it, that is not real life.
I think as an adult I had a misconception that in order to be a good Christian I had to give up my rights, lay aside my wishes, turn the other cheek and say "yes" to everything. Give, serve and give again until I was drained. It sounds Biblical doesn't it?
I allowed myself to get drained one too many times and I said enough and backed away from just about everything.I stopped taking "it" because being door-matish suddenly didn't seem very Christian to me.
My learning to say no was not on their wish list of top 10 items, because it meant they couldn't say no.
I've been cajoled, guilted, pleaded with, reasoned with and yet I feel unwavering in my conviction that I'm not really available for boot scraping anymore.
What does this mean?
For one thing it means that it's a lot quieter around here and possibly a little lonely sometimes.
It means that there are fewer places to go because I am not running around orchestrating everything.
it also means that my stomach doesn't hurt and I am far more at peace with myself and with others.
There were a few things that went by the wayside during my epiphany.
Things that I thought were integral to the calling that God had for me.
Teaching women the Word was one of those.
I find myself asking the Lord if that was a miscommunication on my part or am I being disobedient?
What happened to the desire I had to lead women to spiritual healing and understanding?
I don't know.
I had a glimmer of an idea yesterday and I may try it out when I get back from Alaska. Yes, I am in Alaska.
I used to teach a Women of the Bible series and I learned a ton by preparing for this study.
I may interject some of these amazing women in a post or two on "Let's Add Sprinkles".
I feel a little like I have been hiding my light under a bushel for the last 4 years.
I don't think for a moment that anything I have learned or gone through was wasted and I still don't understand it all. I have had a few, "Oh, so that's why You were doing that!" kind of moments.
|Light bulb moment.|
Five years ago I thought I had it all together and I thought I had most of life figured out.Haha. I was totally in for a rude awakening.
"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind, straining forward to what lies ahead." Philippians 3:13.
For me, that means I need to forget about what I used to do for the Lord and look for new ways to serve Him. It also means I need to quit looking back and wondering what I did wrong. I need to be open for new ways to be used in a healthy way.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes He requires us to be doormats.